Is 'Disagreeing' Homophobic?

Homophobia literally means an irrational fear (phobia) of sameness (homo), but more commonly means today fear, hatred or intolerance toward homosexual people (individuals with exclusive same-sex attractions).

But, is "disagreeing with the homosexual lifestyle" homophobic?

What is "the homosexual lifestyle"? Obviously, it's waking up in a stranger's bed, going to the bar to hook up with a few more random people before putting on your S&M gear and riding a float shaped like male genitals at a gay pride parade, vandalizing a church, and of course suing the local cake shop. Or...it's getting up in your own bed, going to school or work, meeting with friends, doing homework or paying bills, going to bed and repeating the process. They're so similar; it could be either.

When someone says they "disagree with the homosexual lifestyle", "the gay lifestyle", or it's new alternative "the LGBT lifestyle", it sounds so nonsensical that it can only be an incredibly lame attempt to avoid the truth that they hate someone by saying they simply "disagree" with some imaginary lifestyle. But is that really what those who use this phrase mean?

This phrase is surprisingly common in some Christian circles and, while some may actually be homophobic, most are not. So, how does this work?

There are two main perspectives behind this: The first is believing a set of stereotypes about gay or LGBT people, making the "lifestyle" one of the most outrageous in-your-face activists. The second is believing homosexual sex is morally wrong, making the "lifestyle" being open to the possibility of or engaging in homosexual sex. Some expand the second to include same-sex romance.

Ignorance due to negative stereotypes is hardly irrational fear or hatred. Just like with any other prejudice or stereotype, it can be overcome by getting to know someone. They'll see what they've heard is not true for everyone and that we are all unique individuals. However, becoming angry, hastily judging someone, or calling them a "homophobe" stops that process. It dismissed them and their views and prevents any path to understanding, only reinforcing their negative views and allowing them to spread that to others by proclaiming "See, see, they are just as rude as I knew all LGBT people are! They're just a bunch of bigoted SJW activists!" In fact, some of the prejudice isn't even from ignorance but because they met angry and judgmental gay/LGBT people and wrongly concluded that represents all gay/LGBT people.

The belief that homosexual sex is wrong is also not necessarily based on fear or hatred. Most Christians who believe homosexual sex or romance is wrong or sinful point to what they believe the Bible says on this, but will also admit that everyone is a sinner and the greatest commandments include loving everyone. So, when they say "the homosexual lifestyle", they typically mean having homosexual sex or dating people of the same sex. They typically see homosexual people and homosexuality as different because the "lifestyle" or "homosexuality" means having sex with someone of the same sex, but someone can be a celibate homosexual, meaning they have attractions they choose not to act on. This is where "choosing to be gay" comes from for many. You chose to "engage in homosexuality" by dating or having sex.

Those adhering to this second belief simply don't understand that "disagreement" and "lifestyle" don't make sense to many people because they haven't thought out that saying you disagree with how anyone who isn't straight lives is not what they actually want to say. They don't understand why some people would see disagreeing with a lifestyle as disagreeing with someone's existence because they don't believe being gay is someone's existence. They think it's clear that they mean people of the same sex forming sexual unions, not lifestyle as in living. The same applies to "disagreeing with homosexuality" too, as they see it as meaning homosexual sex, not the way most people see it, as simply being attracted exclusively to your own sex in the same way most people are attracted exclusively to their opposite sex. So, again, becoming angry and calling them "homophobic" won't help them understand and may in fact push them into the first camp.

Some people believe that any sex outside marriage, even between a couple who plan to marry later on, is wrong. Some people believe having sex without intending or being able to become pregnant is wrong. So, they "disagree" with one or both of those. They don't disagree with the people existing or caring for each other. They just have a sense of what they feel is morally right or best for people or society. People are still free to do whatever they want. If someone disagrees with eating certain animals on religious grounds, they're not automatically hating or fearing those who eat those animals. They still believe it's wrong, but disagreement doesn't always equal fear or hatred. Likewise, believing sex is a gift from God that isn't for every situation isn't fear or hatred. Most people put some limits on what they feel is morally acceptable, from disagreeing with incest to adultery and so on, so it shouldn't be too surprising that some people expand that list. Very few people believe every relationship should be romantic or sexual.

It's possible to have a civil discussion with someone you disagree with. No two people agree on everything and people make mistakes or judge too quickly and regret it later. So, if someone believes stereotypes, that homosexual sex or romance is morally wrong, or repeats phrases that are offensive to you without them understanding why, that doesn't have to close the door to communication. Often simply listening to someone and letting them express their opinion or beliefs makes them feel more open to then listen to yours. It's like how you often feel better after venting.

After listening and trying to understand them, tell your story. Even if you can't convince someone to agree with you, it may at least help reduce some stereotypes or negative past experience as well as help them realize how "disagree"  and "lifestyle" sound to some people and that's worth a little patience. After all, think of all those hurt by stereotypes and judgment who are bullied or kicked out of their homes and so don't believe they have the strength to brush them of as an opinion. Every life is precious and, while you can't save them all, you can at least try.

If homophobia literally means a fear of sameness, then it's okay to be a homophobe, because things can't stay the same. Continuing the cycle of petty arguing and name-calling solves nothing. And, if you are someone who says they "disagree with the homosexual lifestyle" or "homosexuality", please take a moment to see how that may sound to others and imagine things from their perspective so you can understand why some people are angry and see the unintended hurt a simple misunderstanding can cause. It may just change your mind.